


Chaotic Chronicles of the Swan-Mills Clan

by some_lost_defective_pearl



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack Fic, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-28 22:29:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6348196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/some_lost_defective_pearl/pseuds/some_lost_defective_pearl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Swan Queen and Red Beauty Crack!Fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1: Game Night with the Swan-Mills Clan Part 1

“Okay. We’re all here. What game should we play?”asked Emma to the group sitting around the table in the Mansion basement.

“Ow’ about we play Bullshit?” suggested Lacey, which resulted in everyone but Ruby and Emma to give her a confused look.

“What’s Bullshit?” said Regina.

“You’ve guys never played?” asked Ruby, genuinely surprised that no one had heard of it.

Blank stares answered her question.

“Well since you’ve never played, we’ll just have to teach you.” said Emma.

“‘o basically we have deck of cards.” began Lacey “But since there are quite a lot of us we’ll use two decks.” 

“I’ll split the decks evenly to everyone.” said Ruby and then began to do so.

“While Rubes is giving everyone the cards, I’ll explain what we’ll do. Whoever has the ace of spades starts.” Said Emma and then she reminded Ruby to take one of the ace of spades out.

“Then ‘e’ll go clockwise, so the person next to ‘hoever puts the ace of spades down puts down twos. ‘ext person puts down threes, ‘n so on so forth.” Lacey finished for Emma.

“What’s the point then?”

Emma turned slightly to face Regina. “Well if the next person doesn’t have, say a three, they have to put down a different card and hope they don’t get caught. If someone thinks the person is lying they call bullshit.”

“If the person was lying and someone calls bullshit they have to take all the cards in the pile, and if the person is wrong they ‘ake all the cards.” Lacey finished explaining.

Everyone seemed to understand and picked up their cards, looking for the ace of spades. Hook paused for a moment and got a grin on his face.

“How about we make this a little more interesting, ‘ow about we make it a drinking game?” He said pulling out two bottle of rum. He continued, “Everytime someone gets caught for bullshiting that person has to ‘ake a drink. Also if ‘ou call bullshit on false pretenses ya take a drink.”

“Okay, we’ll do the shots. But first: where the hell did you get the rum?” said Emma.

Hook just shrugged and said “A pirate always has rum.” in a mysterious tone of voice.

“Oookaayy. Let’s start then.” and they began each person with 13 cards in hand.

Lacey started with the ace of spades, Ruby who was right to her put down three twos, and then Emma next to Ruby put down a single three.

Regina, next to Emma put down five fours.

“Bullshit!”

Regina pushed the small pile towards Cora and Hook poured a shot of rum.

‘What. How is this punishment?’ Cora thought to herself as she took the shot.

Cora put down a 9 trying to pass it off as a 5.

“Bullshit!” exclaimed Emma and Regina at the same time.

Cora picked the 9 back up and took another shot while Emma and Regina smiled at each other. 

Hook put down eight sixes and everything was silent.

“I dare ye’.” he tested, but no one called him.

then Mulan put down four sevens and Aurora put down three eights. Lacey put down six nines followed by Ruby with 7 10s. Next was Emma slamming down two jacks. Regina contributed four queens to the pile. Cora put down eight kings with a little giggle.

“Bullshit.” Mulan said calm and collected.

“Damn!” Cora exclaimed making her total amount of cards go from 23 to 57, as well as the level of intoxication she was on..  
The cycle started back at Aces which Hook set one of. The amount of twos donated to the pile by Mulan was three, then Aurora put down one four. Lacey then set down three fives, followed by Ruby laying down one six. Emma afterwards put down five sevens, her significant other then laying down a single eight. Cora put down eight nines, Regina using magic, as she had been all game, knew her mother was lying but she felt bad for her so let it slide. Hook set down a 10.

“Peanut butter” Cora said with a delighted smile.

“Should've known” said Mulan with a curse

Mulan set down three jacks, then Aurora laid down six queens. Everyone was getting really tense as it was almost endgame, except for Cora who knew she was going to lose and was down with it (probably because she was so wasted). Then Lacey threw all her cards face down at the table declaring three kings and the win.

Lacey was doing a victory dance and high fiving her girlfriend, Ruby, when out of nowhere Regina smirked and said “Bullshit.”

The cards were flipped over revealing anything but three kings. All colour drained from Lacey’s face and she fainted. Ruby had to give her CPR to wake her up. When Lacey did wake up she was madder than a sack of hornets. Her face was scarlet and her fists were balled up so tight skinny jeans would be jealous.

“NO! ‘ullshit on you,” Lacey said pointing at Regina, “‘ullshit on your wife,” the furious woman said pointing at Emma, “‘ullshit on your Blast ended skrewt!!” she said waving her arms frantically.

“That’s my reference!” Mulan shouted.

“‘ush up Mulan,” Lacey said continuing, “I’ll get you my pretties and your blast ended skrewt too!”

“That’s my reference!” Zelena yelled coming in with Snow and Charming’s baby, Neal, cradled in her arms. (How is Zelena back as well? Same as Cora wait till chapter 3. Till then all you need to know is she babysits local kids).

“Don’t say anything about Fredrick!” Henry said as he burst into the game room.

“No! No. No. I ‘elieve ‘hat Regina was cheating!!” shouted Lacey, but everyone ignored her.

“It appears our game room isn’t secure.” said Hook drinking rum because he felt like it.

“I’m sorry I’m not caught up to date. Who is Fredrick the blast ended skrewt?” asked Aurora.

“Let us tell you a thing ‘bout Fredrick.” Emma and Henry said in unison with upbeat voices as Regina sighed and rolled her eyes.  
End Chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2: A Tale of a Blast Ended Skrewt

“Flashback Time!”

“We are standing by a wishing well make a wish into the well, that’s all you have to do.” sung an animated Snow White from the Swan-Mills living room.

Regina groaned at having to watch this, in her opinion, god awful movie. Emma and Henry laughed at this, enjoy Regina’s spiteful comments about how the movie wasn’t correct or how the Evil Queen looked nothing like her.

Both Emma and Regina cringed at Graham, the Huntsman, but continued to watch the movie anyway.

Emma and Henry, who had been sitting on the floor in front of Regina, who had been sitting on the couch, were getting captivated by the T.V. had jumped when they heard a high-pitched screech come from Regina.

Emma turned around quickly and inspected the damage. “Babe what’s wrong?” she’s asked her wife who looked as if she had seen a ghost.

“..W-what was-s t-that..?” Regina said in a shaky voice.

“What was what?”

Before Regina could describe the creature, it scurred across the floor once more, causing Henry to jump back and Emma to scream.

"Ma? Is that what I think it is?" said Henry, who was looking a the creature cowering in the corner of the room.

Emma looked to where Henry was focused, and gasped, recognizing the young beast from her favorite childhood books.

"It's..it's A BLAST-ENDED SKREWT! OHMYGOSH." screamed Emma like a 5 year old.

"Ma? Ma. Why is he cowering?"

Henry's question distracted Emma from her childhood dream-come true, "Uh I don't know. They don't usually get scared of people not threatening them..." She followed to where the beast's wide eyes were staring: Regina. She was surpris she saw: her wife, standing stock-still, fireball in hand, aimed at the blast-ended skrewt.

Before Emma could tell Regina to put the fireball away, Henry yelled:

"Mom! Don't hurt Fredrick!"

“Who the hell is Fredrick?” said Regina as she extinguished the fireball.

“It is the name I gave that creature, just now.” Henry said bashfully.

“Hmm. Fredrick.” Emma tested the name on her tongue, “I like it. Fredrick it is.”

“You don’t truly believe you’re keeping that thing do you?” said Regina with her usual hint of sass.

“....Yeus?”

Regina gave Emma a “Are you kidding me?” look.

“Come on, pwease Gina?” Emma pouted.

“Pretty pwease, with a cherry on top, Mom?”

Regina stared at her son and wife, both wearing matching puppy-dog pouts.

“...Ugh. Fine, but if he steps a toe out of line he’s gone.”

“What defines out of line?” Emma asked

“I’ll be the judge of that.” said Regina with her evil-queen smirk, as she walked out of the room.

Emma and Henry were silent for a moment before Henry said to Fredrick,

“You’d better be good.”

*PAUSE FLASHBACK*

Henry and Emma were brought out of flashback mode by everyone snoring in unison. The only two people who were listening were Aurora and Mulan. Emma brought out her police pistol and shot two bullets in the air. The sleepers snapped back into attention as Henry started to continue the story.

“Wait, hold up Henry; Emma, honey did you just shoot a pistol into our fucking ceiling.” said Regina as she stared at the hole and the crumbling plaster.

“Maybe.” Emma said sassily.

“You’re fixing that, Emma.” Regina replied.

“Ugh fine,” said Emma as she waved her hand and fixed the ceiling. “Happy?” she asked sarcastically.

“Very much so dear,” said Regina with a smirk. “Henry you may continue.”

“Okay so.”

*CONTINUE FLASHBACK*

Emma and Henry had awesome times with Fredrick, but Regina did not understand their new pet. She had no idea what to feed the thing, so one time she fed it part of an apple from her tree; the blast-ended skrewt didn’t like it at first, but Regina, thinking apples were not to be turned down by some simple insect, forced the thing to like them, which worked. The blast-ended skrewt then slipped out of the house one day and ate all the apples. Regina was rightfully pissed, but not to the breaking point yet.

The event that would almost lead to Fredrick’s demise went like this: he was startled by one of Snow’s woodland creatures, causing sparks to shoot out of his legs causing the apple tree to alight. Regina saw this and ran to the tree, fire extinguisher in hand. She took a whole twenty minutes to figure out how to work the thing and snuff the fire out. Regina went directly after the insect-like creature with the fire extinguisher as her weapon of choice. Henry and Emma walked by and in an act of protection Emma tackled Regina down on the lawn.

“EMMA GET THE HELL OFF ME.”

“No!”

“I am gonna murder that thing!”

“Why?” asked Emma attempting to distract her wife.

“He almost burnt down my apple tree,” shouted Regina, “Now get off!”

“Babe you have magic.” stated Emma.

“...”

“Ugh…” said Regina as Emma let her up.

“I’m not dealing with this right now.” said Regina as she walked back into the house.

“At least she didn’t kill him.” said Henry.

“Yeah, but just in case we should keep him away from her for a while.”

*END FLASHBACK*

“And now you’re caught up on Fredrick.” finished Henry.

Emma and Henry looked up to see everyone beside Aurora asleep. Lacey, during the flashback, had turned into Belle and was curled up with Ruby on the floor. Cora had passed out a while ago and Hook was nowhere to be found. Mulan had fallen asleep on Aurora's lap and Regina on Emma’s shoulder.

“Are you kidding me right now.” said Emma with annoyance evident in her tone.

“Let’s just stay here, I don’t want to wake them up.” said Aurora.

Emma sighed and huffed out a, “Fine.” and snuggled into Regina’s side.


	3. To the Underworld!/Game Night PT.2

One hour later everyone woke up from their different sleeping positions. Henry went back up to his room before they started playing again because the games weren’t ‘kid friendly.’  A game of Cards Against Humanity got Cora, Hook and Ruby rilled up, leading to the volume being increased, naturally Snow came down to shush them:

 

“Hush you're too loud.  You're gonna wake Neal.” Snow said in a quiet voice, worried for the baby upstairs in Zelena’s arms.

 

“Why don’t you come make me, binch.” Cora responded.

 

“Hey, no one calls my wife that.” David said coming down the stairs.

 

"Binch you wanna go?" Shouted Cora to David.

 

“Cora, why did we ever bring you back from the underworld, I forget.” said Snow.

 

Emma was about to recall the story, but Regina settled her down and said, “She’s my mother so I get to tell the story.” 

 

FLASHBACK.

 

"WHAT THE FUCK, MOM!?" Shouted Emma as she attempted to hold Regina back.

 

"I'm going to fucking murder her. Emma let go!"  Yelled Regina as she attempted to get within reach of Snow.

 

"You can't just kill Cora with a candle for no reason, Mary Margaret."  said David softly, attempting to be the peacekeeper.

 

"...Why not?" 

 

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN 'WHY NOT'?" screamed Regina.

 

“Hey, hey.  We can just go to the Underworld and get her back right?  It’s only been like, two minutes.” David said calmly, trying to avoid another family death, “Isn’t there some kind of rule about that?”

 

“Luckily for your wife’s pale ass, there is.” Said Regina haughtily, standing up straight as Emma released her.  “We just need one of Jefferson’s hats, and with Jefferson’s hat we need to come with as many people as we want to come back.  I vote to leave Snow down there with Hades.”

 

Emma gave her a look and crossed her arms, “While I don’t know what the hell went through my mother’s head when she just murdered someone, but that can be dealt with later, like professional help, but we’re not going to leave her with Hades, even if he does have a cool dog.” 

 

Regina stared back just as fiercely, but waiver when Emma switched to puppy-dog eyes, “Ugh fine, then we need someone, insignificant that nobody will miss.”

 

They group didn’t need to think about it long before they all exclaimed at the same time:

 

“Blue Fairy!”

 

“Perfect, we don’t need her shady ass around town anymore, she’s just not good for plot anymore.” Regina said as she made a move to grab David by the arm and poof them to Jefferson’s place, while Emma did the same with Snow.

 

They then disappeared in purple and silver, respectively.  

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Soon they were all regrouped in Regina’s mansion, luckily, Henry was off in school, so they were able to set up without a hitch.

 

Ruby and Belle had also wanted to come and help get Cora back, so the seven of them, even Blue Fairy, who was passed out on the floor, were ready to head to the Underworld.  Regina set up the hat portal, and they were all transported to Hell.

 

They arrive upon the river of souls where a skeleton was waiting for the toll to take them across.

 

“Fuck, I forgot to bring coins.” Exclaimed Regina, “Does anyone have any?”

 

Emma responded ‘no’, while Ruby pulled out one silver dollar, as did Snow, Belle retrieved three from her coat and David took out five.

 

“We have enough to take, all of us but one, I vote to leave Snow.” Regina said with a grin on her face.

 

“Well we haven’t checked Blue yet.” Said Belle, trying to make sure of everyone’s safety.

 

Belle knelt down and checked through the unconscious fairy’s long coat, she retrieved, one, two, three silver dollars, and shot up quickly in celebration, “Bingo!” She exclaimed as held out the three coins, which Emma took and put with the other coins.

 

“Good thinking, babe.” Praised Ruby as she gave Belle a kiss on the cheek.

 

“Nice! We have more than enough, and with that extra dollar, I can buy like, half a bearclaw!” Said Emma gleefully as she pocketed one of coins, and gave the rest to Regina.

 

“Okay, now we have toll, but what are we gonna do with Blue?  She can’t stay asleep forever.” Ruby pointed out as she looked at the woman on the floor, who was dead to the world.

 

“Can’t we just.  You know.” Emma said slowly as she made a pushing motion with her arms.

 

“That should work.” Pondered Regina, as she took the coins and put them in her pocket.  “Well?” She questioned snappily, “Help me!”

 

Emma and Ruby grabbed her legs, while Belle and Regina grabbed her arms, and David and Snow helped lift her middle.

 

“Damn, she’s really fucking heavy.” Emma exclaimed and the group moved slowly toward the edge of the River of Souls.

 

With a grunt they were able to toss her into the greenish water (souls? idk) she sunk quickly as the arms and faces latched onto her, turning her into nothing.

 

“Gross.” Said David simply, and everyone agreed as the turned to the skeleton.

 

“Six of yous?  That’ll be 12 shillins’.” Said the skeleton, as he opened a small, brown bag on his hip for them to put the coins in.

 

Regina retrieved the coins from her pocket and placed them in the bag as she and the group stepped onto the boat.

 

The boat.  It happened to be a problem, since it could only fit about four people comfortably, but they made do, with Emma on Regina’s lap, Ruby on Belle’s, and Snow on Charming’s. 

 

The boat began its slow trip across the river, the passengers shifting uncomfortably when a practically vivacious soul decided to latch onto the boat.

 

“Ugh, babe, you’re so fuckin’ boney.” Groaned the woman Ruby was sitting on.

 

“Lace?” She received a grunt in response.  She assumed it was a yes. “Sorry baby, we’re like almost there, I’ll kiss it better when we get there.” She jested with a smirk, which received a jab at her side and a pinch on her thigh.

 

“Shut it.” Lacey responded, but Ruby could feel her smiling and knew she wasn’t really angry.

 

The boat then finally hit shore, jostling the riders roughly.  This caused Emma and Ruby to fall out of the boat and onto their asses in front of Hades’ palace.  Regina snorted at her wife and best friend as she gracefully stepped out of the craft.  Lacey however was trying not to laugh as she moved to help her girlfriend up.

 

Ruby glared at her playfully from the ground and said, “Oh,  _ shut up _ .” 

 

She stood up tall and towered over her girlfriend, feining anger for a little bit, trying to get a rise out of Lacey, who was dead silent, but still stood her ground.  Ruby then shocked her by dipping her into a deep kiss.  Lacey let out a surprised squeak, very unbecoming of her, Belle maybe, but not Lacey.  Ruby then ended the kiss, by pulling away abruptly.  She then said, breathless, to her very confused girlfriend:

 

“Told you I’d kiss it better.” And then she turned and walked toward Hades palace doors, where the others were waiting.

 

“Woah.” was all Lacey was able to get out as a scarlet blush covered her face.  She dashed up to where the others were, not wanting to get left behind.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They all crept silently into Hades’ Palace, where they could hear three voices, conversing happily: Cora, Hades, and Persephone.

“Mother?” Regina asked tentatively as the group approached the throne room.

~~~~

**END OF FLASHBACK**

 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah and then they all saved me, and I had my heart and blah blah blah, can we please get on with the game?” Said Cora haughtily, she was getting rather bored.

 

Regina looked angry and flustered at being interrupted, but calmed when Emma put a hand on her shoulder, “Yes we can.” And then she looked up to Snow, “And that is why we rescued my mother.  Do you really want to bring back my anger for you Snow?  Or can we forget what you described as, ‘not your finest hour?’” Said Regina anger bubbling in her tone and fire in her eyes.  

 

Snow remained stock still before responding fearfully, “No I’m good, I’m sorry, Regina, Cora. Carry on with your game please.” And then dashed back upstairs with David behind her.

 

“That’s what I fucking thought.” Said Regina with a smirk.

 

“So who’s next?” Asked Belle, trying to relieve some of the tension.

 

“Ooo! It’s my turn!” Exclaimed Ruby from beside her girlfriend as she grabbed a black card from the middle of the table.


End file.
